Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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