thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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