One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
