You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
