My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
