he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
