You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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