you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
