Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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