I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
