I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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