he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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