My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
