also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
