Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
