Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
