Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
