I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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