It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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