you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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