I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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