I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
