I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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