I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
