my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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