Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
