I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I believe in your delicious
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
