Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
