Four minutes until I can fart!
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
where are you?
Hypothermia
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
