I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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