I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
