my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
