Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
