woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
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