just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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