omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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