I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
