Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
