Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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