shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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