I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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