so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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