Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize