Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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