So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
