While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
did you just send me my own nude
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
