she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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