Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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