Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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