She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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